Revising my script
A lot of changes had to be made since my first draft of the script. I had about 4 different people read my first script and give me feedback on what is good and what I need to improve. Two out the 4 people are ex media-studies students and have a lot of insight and advice that was helpful. First, the main feedback I was receiving was that the story line was good and easy to follow. They loved the voice over "narrator" feature, but suggested that I be very careful when creating the voice overs, making sure that they compose the best quality. My best bet is to create the voice over in my closet. Since it is an enclosed space, if I place sound-absorbing materials like blankets, I can naturally minimize echoes and reverberations.
Additional feedback was to intergrade my title into my script. They told me that my title was very intriguing but lacked connection to the actual script, which would make people second guess onto why I chose that title. I got suggestions to include the title card into my script, making a creative connection with the title and the narrative. I totally agree, so in order to do that, I need to remove a few parts so that we would have at least 3-10 seconds dedicated to showing the title. Other than that, I got a few basic run downs on how certain things should be achieved.
Screenshots of revised script
The highlights show what has been revised. The biggest change that I trying to do was to cut back on a few redundant sentences or unnecessary dialogue, therefore I could save up on time, since I was reaching over the 2 minutes mark.
Another noticeable change is that I have included a title card. We wanted to do something more creative for the title rather than just placing it on the screen while the main character was being shown. The plan was to present an empty table. The camera movement would be a overhead close up and we would film the main character's hand, placing a masquerade mask on the table. Using editing, we will place the title "Masquerade" either under the mask or besides it. Boom, word play. This way we can foreshadow that the "mask" presented in the title will soon reappear later in the film and play an important role. Although, this is just the opening scene, I wanted to envision how the entire film would look, and I can envision a masquerade ball towards the end of the film playing crucial role to the narration. Other than that, I just fixed up on a few grammar choices. Hopefully no more revisions would be needed, therefore I will do another test run to make sure we are in the safe time limit.
A big difference! After running 5 different trials, I'm happy to see a big difference on timing. With the entire script, we've reached just under 2 minutes. I feel that a few more grammar fixes can buy us more time, overall we need to be careful on timing. Our final resort could be cutting more from the script, however I hope we won't have to face that problem.
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